Stability Issues

July 5, 2007. Filed under fail 7

Okay, so today the owner of Lukeblog pointed out that my page was throwing 500s like the founders of a company just irrational bought by Google even though they were internally developing an identical product. To shamelessly steal an idea from Gruber, after already soiling his MarkDown, please meet the anthropomorphized LocalMem cache.

Naive developer Will has a fateful encounter with the LocalMem cache outside a popular club.

Will: Localmem! Hey bro! I have been looking for you, we need to talk.
LM: Get in the queue, I'm threadsafe, remember? Aside: God this guys a tool.
Will: Oh, sorry man. I'll just wait over here, in this line, thats cool. I didn't see the line.
Will: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I'm in the back of the line.

Time passes.

LM: Hey there sexy lady, you can skip the line, its cool, come up to the front.
Sexy Lady: You're so easy to setup Localmem, and, my god you're so powerful and quick.
LM: Lets not get carried away, babe, Even though its true. All of it.
Will: Woah, what a second. What the fuck happened to fifo?
LM: Do you want me to kick you out of the queue?
Will: But, you said there is, no, I mean, I'm sorry.
LM: Get in the back of the line, you talk out of turn and you lose your place in line.
Will: But I've been here for two ho...
Sexy Lady: Oh LocalMem, lets go inside and have some fun.

SL and LM enter club together... and several moments later two large men appear carrying LM before violently throwing him to the ground.

Django Developers: LocalMem, how many times have we told you not to come into our club? You suck, you don't belong here. You're like Memcached, only you don't work. You're like the Database cache, only you don't work. You're like the file cache, only you don't work. Do you see the fucking trend? Get the fuck out!
LM: But I'm so quick and easy to setup, I make memcached look like a goddamn turtle out there.
DD: Except for when you crash. MC is busy working the mike right now, but we'll be sure to tell him what you said.
DD: All of you people waiting, what the hell is wrong with you? This is the exit, why the hell are you waiting to get in at the exit? The line is over there where our boy DBC is working it.

Dejectedly Will walks over to stand in the queue where DBC is working.

DBC: Look here kids, I am the Database Cache, and I own this line. Some people call me slow, some people even call me slower than an uncached line, but they just don't appreciate the finer things in life. Like roses, and cascading style sheets. Don't worry, I'll take real good care of you.

By the time DBC allows Will into the club, MC Memcached has exited the building, and his server is crashing, again.